Can You Really Trust Again After Infidelity?

Yes - but not without work from both partners

Infidelity shakes a relationship to its core. It can feel like the ground you were standing on suddenly disappeared- and now you're left wondering if trust can ever be rebuilt.

The short answer? Yes, but not in the same way it existed before. Trust after infidelity isn’t about getting back to where you were. It’s about building something new- stronger, more intentional, and more honest. Like a second marriage with the same person.

So… what does it really take?

From the partner who broke trust (the one who cheated):

Accountability without defensiveness. It’s not about beating yourself up, but about owning the harm. That means sitting with your partner’s pain - even when it’s uncomfortable - and not rushing them to “move on.”

Transparency. This can look like sharing passwords, being up front about your whereabouts, or answering difficult questions. You don’t have to live in a fishbowl forever, but temporary openness can help rebuild safety.

Consistency and patience. Trust isn’t rebuilt through grand gestures - it’s through the daily, quiet ones. Showing up when you say you will. Keeping your word. Being patient with the process (because it’s going to take a while).

Doing your own inner work. Affairs don’t happen in a vacuum. Whether it was about unmet needs, disconnection, avoidance, or impulse - doing your own therapy can help you understand why it happened and how to prevent it from happening again.

From the partner who was hurt (the one who was cheated on):

Permission to grieve. You get to feel hurt, confused, angry, numb, or all of the above. Your emotional process is valid, and it might not follow a neat timeline.

Asking for what you need. This might mean asking your partner to answer certain questions, to check in more regularly, or to go to therapy. Your needs matter now more than ever.

Openness to healing (when you’re ready). Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. It doesn’t mean saying what happened was okay. But healing is possible - if you want it- and it will happen on your timeline.

Being honest about boundaries. Sometimes people come to therapy wanting to stay but unsure if they can. That’s okay. You don’t have to decide everything right away. But part of the healing process is being honest with yourself about what you need in order to stay (or to leave).

From the relationship itself:

A shared commitment to healing. Infidelity can’t be repaired by one person doing all the work. If you both want to rebuild, the relationship itself becomes the client. That means setting aside ego, getting curious, and showing up again and again - even when it’s hard.

Therapy can help (of course I’d say that, but really!). Couples therapy creates a structured, safe space to process the affair, understand what led to it, and develop a new foundation based on honesty and vulnerability. It’s not about blame - it’s about repair.

How EMDR Can Help After Infidelity

I often bring EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) into the healing process - not just for trauma in the traditional sense, but also for relationship wounds. Because let’s be real: infidelity is traumatic.

Here’s how EMDR can help each partner:

For the hurt partner: EMDR can help process the betrayal itself — the racing thoughts, the mental images you can’t unsee, the body reactions that feel like panic. We work to reduce the emotional charge around the memory so it doesn’t keep hijacking your nervous system. Many people feel more grounded, less reactive, and more able to respond instead of shutting down or spiraling.

For the partner who cheated: EMDR can help you explore the why behind the betrayal - and not just in a surface way. Maybe it links back to attachment wounds, fear of intimacy, or beliefs like “I always mess things up.” EMDR helps target those old stories so you’re not stuck repeating harmful patterns. It also helps with the shame that often blocks real repair.

For the relationship itself: When both partners are doing their own EMDR work, the relationship becomes less about reacting from pain and more about relating from presence. I’ve seen couples soften toward each other as their trauma responses quiet down - and from that place, trust becomes possible again.

Final thoughts…

If you're going through this, you’re not alone. Infidelity doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed -but it does mean that the old version of your relationship is over.

What comes next is up to both of you. And while it won’t look the same, it can be something deeper, more real, and more connected - if you're both willing to do the work.

Curious about EMDR or couples therapy? I offer virtual sessions across North Carolina through my practice, Carolina Healing Collective. Let’s talk about what healing could look like for you.